What Not to Say in Child Custody Mediation

Child Custody Mediation – one of the optional dispute resolution processes – helps divorcing parents and unwed parents and separating couples resolve their child (legal or physical) custody matters without going to court. This process is relaxed and helps parents come to an agreement on the most difficult factor of divorce or legal separation. A number of general challenges of child custody comprise going over parenting obligations, visitation schedules, child support, travel restrictions, and co-parenting arrangements.

The following are some fast benefits of mediation in custody matters:

Making the Child’s Well-Being a Priority – It enables parents to work together and communicate well on the matters in relation to custody and visitation.
Decreasing Stress – Because it entails no court battles and attorney led conflicting litigation.
Quicker & Economical Custody mediation is faster and more economical than working challenges through costly attorneys and busy courts.
Parents Taking Control of the Case: Through custody mediation, each of the parents are going to have more input in devising the custody agreement, dissimilar to the judicial procedure in which the judge solely decides without taking into consideration of the parent’s opinions.

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9 Things No to Say in Child Custody Mediation

Custody mediation is not the right steppingstone for expressing negative points of view, conflict, and useless behaviors concerning your spouse or marriage.

The rule of thumb of custody mediation is to negotiate with your soon to be ex-spouse without being harmful towards them.

Being civil and respectful is going to help you come to a quality agreement. The following are the custody mediation tips for helping you better understand what to not to say in child custody mediation.

1. “You Never Helped with the Children” (Blame)

Bringing up a spouse’s previous mistakes and shaming and blaming them in custody mediation is something you must avoid. Professional custody mediators report that they have seen spouses putting blame on each other and through this the nature of mediation–cooperation is disrupted.

Such as “You never understand their needs.” “I do, but evidently you do not.” Or “this is all your fault. You don’t understand what’s happening.”

When you blame, it’s more possible that your spouse is going to go on the defensive after hearing your criticism, which can exacerbate conflict and hostility. Don’t forget that you’re in custody mediation to create an agreement that benefits the child’s well-being.

Consequently, the way in which you talk about issues in parenting needs to be centered on coming to an agreement or making favorable changes for the benefit of your child.

2. “I’ve Always Looked After My Kid” (Being Possessive)

One other thing that can make custody mediation appear like a contested custody dispute is when either parent starts using possessive terminology.

The spouse that joins custody mediation to come to a long-term agreement but sees another parent start to become possessive could be a harmful experience for that spouse. Truth of the matter is that mediation is extremely not suggested if one of the spouses is domineering or manipulative.

How should parents behave? Do your best to think about the other parent in the parental relationship. Avoid possessive declarations when referring to your child throughout the discussion, like “my kid” or “my children.”

One easy technique to stop being possessive is by substituting possessive pronouns (I, my, me, etc.) with something such as ‘our daughter’ or ‘our kids’ letting your co-parent feel included in the process.

3. “Can the Children Stay with Me?” (Too Demanding)

The rule of thumb for mediation is to not make demands and commitments because making specific commitments throughout this decisive stage, because of expectations or pressure, can be a problem.

Be careful concerning your requests. Asking for unneeded child support or refusing access to your co-parent — without considerable evidence that your child(ren) would be in peril– could be less effective for mediation.

Instead do your best to place your requests within reason. Proving suggestions and presenting issues enables open dialogue and solutions — without alienating your spouse.

4. “I will Make You Pay.” (Expressing Anger)

Anger control in child custody mediation is vital– uncontrolled anger usually results in no agreement being reached. Nevertheless, an effective custody mediation is about rationality and reason. It concerns negotiations and not the take it or leave it mindset.

Nevertheless, custody mediators are professionals in managing conflict and defiant circumstances, the expression of ineffective behaviors needs to be avoided as they are going to lead to the court route – which makes the custody process far more costly.

Child custody mediation, dissimilar to court proceedings, is relaxed, informal and requires parents to remain civil to come to a quality custody agreement. The following are the don’ts of conduct in custody mediation.

Don’t be abusive
Don’t be on bad behavior
Don’t endanger your spouse
Don’t talk over your spouse or mediator

5. You Don’t Keep Me up to Date on School.” (Discussing Past)

Oftentimes you may be required to talk about problems or matters— associated to custody— with the intent of opening solutions and reaching an agreement that best coordinates with parents and children’s best interests.

Therefore, when a custody mediator requests you to talk about issues, always speak about them in a way that helps fulfill the end objective: The best interests of your children. Consider the best way to talk about important issues that affect your children positively without driving your spouse out of the discussion.

6. “Rick, My Family Can Give Child a Better Support System Than Yours Can.” (Comparisons)

Making outrageous comparisons in mediation for child custody might make it go wrong, making the other involved party feel threatened and start to be on the defensive.

The couples in mediation must not make comparable declarations concerning one another. Imagine this scenario: “I can provide a better lifestyle for our kids.” Or “You can’t care for the kids the way I can.”

7. Beginning the Insult or Criticism Round In Mediation

A lot of couples in child custody mediation stay professional and adhere to the moral rules as detailed by the mediator. However, the professionalism and respect could disappear when couples start to be too emotional or in the heat of the discussions.

Whereas custody mediation requires you to be reasonable and treat mediation like a business negotiation. Consequently, don’t respond with scornful demands with scornful arguments and responses.

Likewise, don’t denounce your custody mediator. If you think that your mediator is one-sided and the agreement would result in a detrimental settlement, speak with your mediator about their behavior or when you have legal representation in mediation bring up the bias, they likely advise you on this or speak with your mediator about the injustice.

Other things you can do in these types of situations are to file a complaint about the mediator’s biased behavior with the mediator’s agency or withdraw from mediation and petition for a new mediator.

8. Deceit and Accusation–Reasoning for an Unfavorable Settlement

Deceitful behaviors —lying, contested facts, and accusations — in custody mediation are a breach of moral behaviors and make settlement unfavorable for each spouse.

Additionally, the attorneys involved in mediation also should downplay accusations in mediation, this way mild, over the top behavior and fraud would be discouraged since presenting the unprovable things and lying results in an unfavorable reputation and loss of trust, increasing the challenge of reaching a long-lasting agreement.

9. “None,” “Always,” “All” – (Using Outright Language)

Beginning custody mediation with flexible reasoning can prevent generalization and exacerbation of conflicts due to “all or nothing” reasoning does not encourage compromise and cooperation.

Source:

1. 1. “What Not to Say in Child Custody Mediation” Retrieved on November 24, 2025 from https://ffmediation.com/what-not-to-say-in-child-custody-mediation/

Ogborne Law, PLC In Scottsdale, AZ

Discussions about child custody issues are always difficult during a divorce. While there is no way to make them easy or comfortable, you can find ways to work together. The collaborative divorce process helps with tools and professionals to make child custody and other decisions a little more manageable. By working together as a team, you’re able to make the decisions that are best for the kids.

Collaborative divorce can make these challenging times more manageable. It requires you to work with your spouse at a time when you have decided you need to go your separate ways. When it comes to child custody, though, you want to do all you can to make the right parenting decisions. Collaborative divorce can help create pathways for you to cooperate. If you live in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area and want to learn more about collaborative divorce, contact Ogborne Law today.